How the Grinch Stole Fitness
Down in Fit-ville
Liked lifting a lot…
But the Grinch,
Who lived just north of Fit-ville,
The Grinch hated Lifting! The whole fitness season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his head wasn’t screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his pants were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his dumbbells was 3 sizes too small.
Whatever the reason,
His weights or his lifts,
He stood there on Lifting eve, hating the Fits,
Staring down from his cave with a sour frown
At the warm lighted gyms below in their town.
For he knew every Fitblr down in Fit-ville below
Was preparing now, for tomorrows dumbbell rows
"And their dead hang pull ups!" he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Lifting! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop Lifting from coming!”
Tomorrow, he knew…
..All the Fit girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush to their fitness toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the Fitzens, young and old, would sit down to a healthy feast.
And they’d feast! And they’d feast!
And they’d FEAST!
They would feast on Fit-whey, and rare Fit-oats-beast
Which was something the Grinch couldn’t stand in the least!
They’d do something
He liked least of all
Every Fitzen down in Fit-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with dumbbells ringing.
They’d stand hand-in-hand. And the Fits would start squatting!
They’d SQUAT! And they’SQUAT!
And they’d SQUAT! SQUAT! SQUAT! SQUAT!
And the more the Grinch thought of these Fit-Lifting-Squats,
The more the Grinch thought, ‘I must stop these deep squats!”
“Why, for thirty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
“I MUST stop the Lifting from coming!
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The Grinch laughed in his throat.
And he bought a bottle of diet pills and steroids.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great fitness ruse!
“With these pills and fat burners., I’ll look just like a Fitblr too!”
“All I need is a barbell…”
The Grinch looked around.
But, since barbells are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old Grinch…?
NO! The Grinch simply said,
“If I can’t find a bench, I’ll use the squat rack instead!”
So he strapped on his belt and to the squat rack he went
He loaded one plate and curled with all his might, back bent.
He loaded some oats
And some old diet plans
Into the backseat
Of his moms minivan
Then the Grinch said, “Giddap!”
And the van started down
Toward the homes where the Fitblrs
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Fits were all dreaming sweet dreams without care
When he came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” the old Grinch hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney, with a flop and a flail.
But, if Firblrs could do it, then so could the Grinch.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where the little progress pictures all hung in a row.
“Their treadmills,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took everything present!
Benches! And Bicycles! Fish Oils! Weights!
Barbells! Supplements! Dumbbells! And Plates!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Grinch, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the icebox. He took the Fits’ feast!
He took the Fit-Whey! He took the Oats Beast!
He cleaned out that icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that Grinch even stole their last can of Fit-hash!
Then he stuffed all the healthy food up the chimney with glee.
“And NOW!” grinned the Grinch, “I will stuff up the machines!”
And the Grinch grabbed the Machines, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Fit!
Little Cindy-Lou Fit, who just got done with her three day split.
The Grinch had been caught by this tiny Fit daughter
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the Grinch and said, “Fitblr Claus, why,
“Why are you taking our Smith Machine? WHY?”
But, you know, that old Grinch was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the fake Fitlbr Claus lied,
“There’s a cable on this machine that won’t lift on one side.
“So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Fit went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the Machine up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the log for their fire!
Then he hobbled up the chimney, himself, the fat liar.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the one speck of healthy food
That he left in the house
Was a crumb that was even too small for a mouse.
He did the same thing
To the other Fits’ houses
Much too small
For the other Fit mouses!
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Fits, still a-bed,
All the Fits, still a-snooze
When he packed up his Van,
Packed it up with their Oats! The Protein! The Medicine Balls!
The Squat Racks! And the Belts! The Straps! The Pictures of Fitspo off the Walls!
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it!
“Pooh-Pooh to the Fits!” he was Grinch-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no gains are coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“Then the Fitblrs down in Fit-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!
“That’s a noise,” grinned the Grinch,
“That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the Grinch put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!
He stared down at Fit-ville!
The whale popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Fitblr down in Fit-ville, the tall and the small,
Was exercising! Without any weights at all!
He HADN’T stopped Lifting from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
“It came without Benches! It came without Plates!
“It came without Dumbbells, Barbells or Weights!”
And then he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Fitness,” he thought, “don’t come from a store.
“Maybe Lifting…perhaps…means a little bit more!”
And what happened then…?
Well…in Fit-ville they say
That the Grinch’s fat belly
Shrunk three sizes that day!
And the minute his pants didn’t feel quite so tight,
He wizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the weights! And the food for the feast!
The Grinch carved the oats beast
I love this!!